Crazy Day

long day. lots of stuff. too tired to write about it now. still pregnant, though.

If Dreams Could Come True...

I had a dream today where two different dream characters said to me that Clark would be born by the end of the day tomorrow. Is my body trying to tell me something? Is Clark trying to "send me a message"? Probably just wishful thinking. It was a nice thought, though.

Elegant Walrus

Tonight while complaining about STILL being pregnant I told Husband that I have all the grace of a walrus. He said, "An elegant walrus!"

Thanks. I think. Coo coo ka choo.

Trying To Stay Positive

I need to think of the things I am thankful for with regard to this pregnancy because focusing on how uncomfortable I am is getting me nowhere.

1. I am thankful that Clark is healthy.

2. I am thankful that I have not had any emergencies or complications.

3. I am glad that my feet never got swollen, as it happens to so many women. I have kind of ugly feet to begin with, so the thought of them all puffy and red full of pain is just yucky.

4. I am thankful that I have been able to stay home and not work. Having to tell your boss that you're pregnant is stressful, even if he or she takes it well.

5. I'm glad that I've had two successful pregnancies where my babies will have been born healthy and full-term. I know several people who struggle with infertility and/or repeated miscarriages and as much as I complain about how pregnancy sucks, I do recognize how lucky I am to even have the opportunity to complain.

So Close

I thought last night was it. I kept waking up with contractions. Hard ones. Painful ones. I was sure that labor was starting. And then... they faded off like they have so many times before. My body has made so many practice runs for Clark's labor that I must have the world's strongest womb-- when the time comes, I had better just have one massive, powerful contraction and squeeze this baby out with a single push. Otherwise, uterus, you are on my shit list.

I feel like I've been in labor for weeks. I've been enduring really, really uncomfortable and sometimes painful contractions, my pelvis is killing me, and my back is sore non-stop. Not to mention that I can feel every little movement that Clark makes, and this kid clearly wants to stretch his legs out. I keep telling him that if he will just come OUT, he can stretch out all he wants. But he is not interested in what I have to say. He would rather lay on my bladder and hiccup all day long.

Clark I love you. Let me see your little face. I'm so sure that you'll look like your daddy. I can't wait to see if I'm right!

Clark's Baby Shower

I don't think I ever mentioned that Husband's stepmom threw Clark a baby shower a little while ago. It was nice. Since we already have sooooooo much baby stuff, we asked for mostly diapers and wipes, which is what we got. Yay! Clark got a few little outfits and some toys and stuff like that, too. But since I breastfeed and stay at home, the biggest expense of a new baby is managing his rear end.

Have you ever seen any of those "baby calculators" to help you figure out how much a new baby costs? Throw in formula and day care and it's mind boggling. To me at least. And if you don't have health insurance, just forget about it.

My advice: If you want to have a baby, start saving your pennies ASAP-- believe me, it will make everything so much easier in the long run.

Threats!

Elise came over to me yesterday and rubbed my arm. "Boo boo?"

"No. I don't have a boo boo."

She stared into my eyes. Rubbed my arm again. "Boo boo?"

"No, Elise. Mommy doesn't have a--"

And she lunged at me. Fangs bared. Tried to bite my arm right where she was rubbing it. Unbelievable!

39 Week Check Up

I'm soooooo pregnant. Ugh.

Had my 39 week check up today. Clark seems happy to stay right where he is, even though my body is doing its best to kick that baby bird out of my uterus nest. I'm 3 cm dilated, 90% effaced, and thoroughly miserable. My back hurts, my leg nerves keep going bonkers and shooting fiery hate through my body, I have to pee every 30 minutes, and my belly skin is about to rip open like an overripe peach. I have hot flashes, irrationally angry flashes, and crazy flashes where I imagine myself still pregnant at Christmastime.

The dumb thing is, I know that when labor actually starts I'll be all like, "Wait! I'm not ready!"

Being pregnant is really hard work. So is labor. Then you get your baby paycheck with an additional cute bonus and it's worth the 168 hour work weeks.

Two New Words for the Day

In an amusing coincidence, Elise's new words for the day today were "buns" and "lips." Perhaps she was working up the nerve to tell me to kiss her ass. I'll let you know if we get to that point within the next few days...

I try to refer to Elise's butt as her "bottom"-- it seems like one of the least possibly offensive names for a person's rear end. Good for a baby. Never inappropriate. Well, for some reason I called her butt her "buns" today and she just latched right on to that word. How does she do that? She knows just what I don't really want her to repeat and then it becomes her new favorite word. Buns buns buns.

Elise is also starting to make objects possessive. She doesn't quite get that she's supposed to add an "s," but she's got the basic word structure right. As I was folding laundry this evening, she walked up, touched my butt and said, "Mama buns." Yes, Elise, Mama's buns. Then she turned to the side, cocked her hip at me and said, 'E-lee buns!" Yes. Elise's buns.

Who said grammar was boring?

Cry-ola

Yesterday Elise saw my stretchmarks. She touched them gently.

"Color?" (Elise says "color" when she wants me to get her coloring book and crayons out.)

"No. No one colored on Mommy's tummy."

Confused pause. Brain processing. Then...

"Boo boo?"

I don't know why (hormones) but that little exchange made me cry. She thought someone colored on my tummy. Sweet baby Elise.

Henry and Georgia Update

Well, things are really starting to go downhill for Henry and Georgia's mom. She is making some very bad decisions as of late. Continuing to make bad decisions, I should say. For example, she failed to show up for a visit with Henry and Georgia's baby sister, Eve. Then she missed showing up at court when she was supposed to be there for some foster care stuff. And there are other things, too, that I won't go into but believe me that the list of her recent behavior goes from bad to worse.

I don't know what this will mean the next time the court reviews her progress on her case plan. Something tells me that she is still likely to get an extension on completing her case plan in order to give her time to turn her life around. The courts are usually pretty hesitant to terminate parental rights around here, from what I've gathered. But, as I've mentioned before, Henry and Georgia clearly won't be returning to her care any time in the immediate future.

Also, the court has apparently declared Henry's legal biological father as "unknown." This means that unless his mom decides to provide names for Case Manager to research, Case Manager doesn't have to try to keep finding Henry's biological dad. So if Henry's mom doesn't want to provide names then the court is fine with there being no biological dad in the picture for the duration of Henry's case. (When a child comes into the dependency system, case managers are supposed to locate both biological parents whenever possible. They go to great lengths sometimes to find estranged moms and dads. However, the court can always say that the case manager has tried hard enough and a missing parent can't be found, as is the situation here.)

So, now we just wait and see what kinds of decisions the court makes about what should happen next with mom's case plan.

Baby Dreams As Of Late

Because my brain is obsessed with the thought of having this baby, naturally most of my dreams lately are about giving birth. I've had a lot of them. Most notable:

* I gave birth and then promptly fell asleep. I didn't wake up until the next morning. Strange people were in my recovery room-- people who apparently knew me but I didn't have any idea who they were. "Oh, no!" I said. "I didn't feed the baby at all last night!" I was really upset because you're supposed to feed newborns, like, every two hours. "It's okay," some strange lady said. "We fed him for you." I knew they meant that they gave him formula in bottles and I was absolutely devastated that he wasn't breastfed and that I never woke up to take care of him myself. I felt like the first thing I did as Clark's mother was to fail him miserably.

* As I'm going into labor at home, this weird fetus-y, not completely formed dinosaur thing comes out of my lady parts. I start yelling for Husband to call 911 or take me to the emergency room. I am still pregnant with Clark and my contractions are just beginning. I can't imagine how this little beast got inside of me, started to grow, and shared space in my body with my human son. As I'm thinking about all of this, the little dinosaur (which basically looks like it has no skin, just raw muscle and no eyelids) starts to wake up and begins running and jumping around the room. I try to catch it and think that I MUST bring it with me to the hospital so that they can see what happened and hopefully believe me that it came out of my body.

* I go into labor and as I'm walking out of the front door, on my way to the hospital, the trees outside are filled with birds who are literally rejoicing. Like a Disney movie. Birds in the trees rejoicing.

I've Reached My Breaking Point, Apparently

Hello, stretchmarks!

I can only assume they're stretchmarks. They don't look like normal stretchmarks, but what else could they be? They're around my bellybutton. And by "bellybutton" I mean the umbilical hernia that I got with Elise. So, between my two kids I am 100% guaranteed to never wear a bikini again-- a giant outie bellybutton with stretchmarks all around it is not cute or sexy. Maybe I can incorporate it into a Halloween costume somehow... bikini zombie girl? sexy cop with a stomach wound?

Well, So Much For That

Turns out that Henry's presumed father is in no way biologically related to him.

So...

On one hand, yay because Presumed Father didn't want to be a part of his life anyway. On the other hand, now we have to repeat this DNA-testing process who knows how many times until we find out who his real father is. OR, in the alternative, we may never find out.

The next step in establishing paternity for Henry is to see if his mom can provide any other names of possible fathers and then see if those men can be tracked down. If they can be found, the court will order them to take a DNA test. If she can't provide any names or if the men cannot be located, the court can basically say that there is no legal biological father and the state can stop trying to find one.

Wow. So back to square one. Poor Henry.

Elise 18 Month Check Up

Elise had her 18 month check up today. She is 32 inches tall (50th percentile) and 21 lbs 7 oz (15th percentile). Once again, the doctor assured me that her weight is just fine, as she's always been on the thin side.

She had to get three shots today, which included a flu shot. I know from experience that flu shots can hurt. Poor Elisey. She started crying as soon as the nurse and I began to pin her down, though. Oh, it kills me. Kills me. After the shots in her legs she was crying, "Boo boo! Boo boo! B-b-b-boo-boo-boo boo! LEG!!!" Just thinking of it still makes me sad. I tried to explain that these little boo boos would keep her from getting big boo boos later. But, as smart as Elise is, there was no reasoning with her about her leg boo boos. Also, I think she was a bit offended that I participated in the process and let her get hurt. Or maybe I'm projecting my own feelings on to her.

Anyway, some post nap diarrhea (which I feel confident was a result of the shots) and a dose of baby Tylenol and she's a-okay now.

Basically, I Give Up

Dammit, Clark. You win. Fine. Stay there. Fine. But I hope you're in there THINKING about what you're doing to me. Your first words had better be "I love you, Mommy," and none of that "dada" crap, even if it's way easier to say.

Oh, and I've had, like, half a dozen people tell me that the best way to get labor going is to have lots of sex. So, yeah. That's what Daddy and I are doing, just in case you were wondering. And if that makes you uncomfortable or grosses you out, then the only way you're going to make it stop is by getting your labor started yourself. It's up to you.

Long Day

long day. lots of really strong contractions that eventually tapered off to nothingness. tired. and still no baby.

:(

Why am I still pregnant? why why why why why????

One More Cute Thing

I forgot yesterday... Elise calls the blanket she sleeps with her "bucky." So silly and cute to me.

PS- I'm still pregnant. :(

Cute Things Elise Says

* Elise calls Cheerios "yellows," I guess because the box is yellow.

* If Elise does something that she knows is bad, she'll immediately say, "I love you!" Pause. Then, "Happy?" (To which she usually gets a response that goes something like, "I'm happy that you love me. I am NOT happy about your behavior, however.")

* Every night Elise asks to be rocked and sung "Rock-a-bye Baby" by saying, "Bye Baby?" She says it so plaintively that it nearly breaks my heart every time.

* This morning after Elise woke up and I nursed her for a couple of minutes I told her, "Okay. All done. Would you like me to get you a sippy cup with milk?" I'm trying to transition her to having cow's milk instead of breast milk in the mornings. She thought about it for a second and said, "Cookie?" Nice try, Elise.

No Baby Yet

Lots of contractions today. Lots. Usually between 10 and 15 minutes apart. Sometimes I'd have them every few minutes, but they were never strong enough that I thought we should go to the hospital. So we wait. And wait. And wait. No telling when he'll decide to arrive.

Pre-labor for Realz

Baby threat code yellow!!!

I'm definitely losing my mucous plug, and now there's blood, too. Pre-labor has officially begun! You start to bleed when your cervix is dilating and little blood vessels begin to rupture. It's not something that you feel. Just "oh! there's blood!" and that's about it. Not everyone has blood from dilating and not everyone even notices losing their mucous plug. I'm glad my body gives me this heads-up.

I felt weird all day today. Everything hurt or was uncomfortable and I was very crabby. I just felt different. I guess there was a lot going on in my body. I only had a few contractions today, but they were definitely stronger than they have been. Right on the border between annoying and slightly painful.

Real labor could start any second now!

(BTW, at this exact point in my pregnancy/delivery experience with Elise-- the night of 37 weeks and 1 day-- she had just been born. I am now officially more pregnant than I have ever been, as I'm still carrying Clark.)

37 Week Check-up

Made it all the way to my 37 week check-up this time! Baby sounded lovely on the heartbeat amplifier doodad. Around 150 beats per minute. My belly measured right on target for 37 weeks.

AND

I am now 2 centimeters dilated! Woohoo! That's more dilated than I was when I went to the hospital for Elise after my water broke. My cervix is about 70% thinned out, also a good sign. And Clark's head is somewhere between stations -2 and -1, meaning that he's starting to move down into my pelvis. The midwife said, "Well, could be anytime now. Whenever he's ready."

I think I'm starting to lose my mucous plug, too.

Technically it could still be weeks before he gets here-- these things don't necessarily mean that the baby is about to pop out-- but I don't think I'll make it to 40 weeks. Strangely, I've had very few Braxton-Hicks contractions tonight, though. Usually I have a lot of them in the evening. The calm before the storm???

Workin' It

Before I contracted pregnant-belly with Elise, I had a professional job. Something that used my graduate degree. I didn't love my job, but I guess I didn't hate it, either. I actually had to use my brain a little bit and that part of it was nice.

Then, once a baby was on the way, Husband and I decided that I'd stay home for a year with Elise. We thought it would be the best thing for her, and honestly I was kinda psyched to be a stay at home mom for a bit. I worked up until the day before Elise was delivered and I quit my job after Elise was born.

After a few months, I started babysitting a couple of days a week. Elise would come with me to play with her baby friend. As the year mark started getting closer, I decided I should look for a slightly more lucrative job-- something I could do that would get me back in the workforce. I applied to teach at a community college and I was offered a job. Pretty cool. I decided not to take it, though, because we'd just gotten some foster kids that were requiring a lot of my time and energy and I wasn't 100% ready to go back to work, especially since it was before my year with Elise was done. I kept babysitting, and that was my only outside-of-the-home work.

Then I got pregnant with Clark. And not long after that, the family I was babysitting for moved. So for a while I didn't do any extra work. I was contacted a few months ago by the lady who had offered me the job at the college and she asked me again if I'd come teach. I was so happy and flattered that she'd asked me back, but it was an offer to teach during the semester that I am due to deliver, so once again I had to decline.

All of this time out of the workforce has made me feel a little weird. I mean, I have real skillz but all I do all day is sing the ABC song and read "Goodnight Moon." There is nothing I'd rather do than take care of my babies... but at the same time, I don't feel like that's ALL I want to do, either. I need something for ME.

I decided to sell some of my books online. I have a pretty sizable collection of books, many of which I got in college. If I didn't read them then (when my grade depended on it), I reasoned that I probably wouldn't read them now. I sold a few and then I started trying my hand at buying books cheap and reselling them for a small profit. I've been doing this for a few weeks now and I've had a very modest success at it. It actually takes some know-how and I'm learning how to make good choices when I buy used books and price them for resale. Mostly, this is just something that's fun for me. It keeps me busy, gives me something to do, and makes me feel like I have a real hobby. And if I can make enough money to pay our Netflix bill each month, or fill up the gas tank in my car, or save some money for a family vacation, then even better.

Also, I recently applied to and was offered a position blogging for a website dealing with adoption. It doesn't pay. Well... they give you a free subscription to their magazine, which isn't nothing, I guess. But mostly I want to have the experience of blogging for someone else. I felt like it was a good opportunity to get some writing experience. And I'm only required to post once per month, so I can totally swing it.

Anyway, that's what I do for "work" now. #1) I'm a Mommy to four babies-- two foster kids, one biological kid, and one kid in my belly. #2) I'm learning how to resell books-- not a long-term career goal, but something fun to do for now. #3) I'm gaining experience as a writer by blogging for a media company.

One day I might go back to my graduate-degree oriented career. Or I might teach. Or maybe I'll find something else I'd rather do. Don't know right now. Now that Clark's on the way, I guess I have about a year to figure it all out, while I stay at home and give him the same time and attention that I gave Elise when she was born.

More of the Same

Lots of contractions today-- they're maybe even getting a bit stronger-- but nothing major going on. Still haven't lost my mucous plug. No amniotic fluid leaking. I just pee about every 30 minutes now, as my bladder is clearly a lovely pillow for Baby Clark's noggin.

Elise is starting to get all clingy and jealous of the time I spend with anyone besides her. I wonder if she knows a new baby is coming.

Nothing Yet

I had a few contractions this morning, but they eventually died down. Some more tonight, but nothing regular. So no one sound the baby alarm. I'm just in the very beginning warm up stages, from what I can tell. No labor yet.

My leg has been KILLING me tonight, though. Those zaps of nerve pain have been going off non-stop. My leg is just sore in general now, from all of the little nerves firing off so often. Sucks. And my back has been really painful, too. I think the back pain might be because Clark's settling lower in my pelvis.

Counting down the days!

Squeeze

Lots of contractions again today. Right now they're becoming fairly consistent at around 30 minutes apart. They were all over the place earlier today-- just a few minutes apart to a few hours apart. But they're falling into a little bit of a pattern right now. We'll just wait and see, I guess. See how tomorrow goes.

I think we're pretty well packed for the hospital. Cleared the camera so we can take lots of pictures and packed extra batteries. Everyone has a bag ready to go. I also bought some cake mix and frosting a few weeks ago for Clark's first birthday cake (not the one year old birthday, but the birth day birthday), so we're all ready for the baby party.

We can't wait to see you Clark! Come out and meet your crazy family!

All the Things I Keep Forgetting to Mention

* That shooting, horrible, paralyzing, pregnancy-related leg pain that I mentioned before has switched legs. It used to be in my left leg, but then about a week ago it switched to my right leg. I guess Clark changed his position or something. How has he managed to hit those nerves on both sides of my body? That must be some special talent. Or he has a gigantic head. Oh man. Please let it be a special talent and not a gigantic head.

* Elise's favorite animal for a long time was the owl. She still loves owls, but kangaroos are starting to win her over. She talks about them all the time. The other day she asked if Husband is a kangaroo. "Daddy kaloo?" No. Daddy is not a kangaroo. The next day, she declared herself a kangaroo. "E-lee kalooooooo!" She was very happy about this decision.

* It's becoming obvious that Henry and Georgia won't be returning to their mother anytime in the immediate future. And the state agency and the kids' guardian ad litem (GAL) might start pushing for their mother's parental rights to be terminated. We'll just have to wait and see how everything goes, but several recent conversations that I've had with Case Manager and GAL lead me to believe that they are definitely considering possibilities other than their mother successfully completing her case plan.

Doing the Math

At the ultrasounds that we've had for Clark, he's consistently measured about a week smaller than what the date of my last period says he should be measuring. The midwives, nurses, doctors, etc. all say that the ultrasounds are only SO accurate and there's a certain margin of error for measuring the baby and so my due date was never adjusted for that slight discrepancy. My due date continues to be based on the date of my last period.

Elise always measured EXACTLY to the day what a fetus of her gestation should measure. Maybe Clark is just a different baby and so he measures differently. Or maybe he really was conceived a week later than my last period would indicate. There's no real telling when conception occurs, it can vary by days or even weeks-- that's why doctors give you a due date based on your last period. It's a mystery what goes on in a lady's fallopian tubes and just exactly what the timing of everything is.

Anyhow, I've decided that I'd like Clark to wait until I'm 38 weeks along before he decides to be born. That way, even if he IS a week younger than we expect, he'll still be born at 37 weeks gestation, which is officially full term. Then I won't be so worried about him when I go into labor.

Hear that, Clark? September 16th or later, please.

Latest Check-up

I had my 36 week check-up recently. Clark is still head down. Yay for that. Heart sounded good, my belly measured right on target. The midwife (this time I saw the one who delivered Elise) said I'm 1 centimeter dilated, but my cervix is still thick. So probably no baby this week. Of course, you never know. But I think I'll make it until my next check-up.

With Elise, my water broke before my 37 week check up. She was born at 37 weeks and 1 day gestation, but I hadn't had my 37 week check-up yet. Once you hit 36 weeks, my OBGYN's office has you come in every week until delivery. Now all of the lady parts exams begin. I think they'll be checking my cervix every time I go in from now on. Beginning at 36 weeks, people start shoving things up in you until the baby shoves its way out of you. And let me just tell you... for some reason all of these midwives seem to be trying to reach for my gallbladder or something-- they shove their hands right up in there in what feels like the least delicate way possible. And evidently none of the midwives have long, graceful, piano player's fingers because they seem to have trouble reaching whatever it is they're trying to touch. How far back can my cervix possibly be located?

Of course the pre-baby exams are nothing compared to the exams they perform while you're in labor. Just imagine having the most painful charlie horse of your life (times 10), which extends from your ribcage to your knees, while someone jabs around wrist-deep in your lady parts. That's what the exams in the early part of labor feel like. Then once things really get going and you're pushing the baby out, it feels like... well, I once heard the feeling of labor equated to how it must feel to "shit a rocking chair." And that is honestly the most accurate way it can possibly be described. Perfect. Spot on. I'm not even joking in the least. Having a baby feels like you're pooping out some huge, awkward piece of furniture.

Ahhh. Looking forward to it, Clark!

Husband Is Ready To Go

Husband's hospital bag is packed. Aside from his phone charger, spare change, mp3 player, etc, which all permanently live in his ever present man-bag, he packed the following:

*2 pairs of underwear
*2 pairs of socks
*2 tshirts
*sweatpants
*shorts
*pajama pants
*sweater (in case I want the room turned down really cold)
*a rolly massager thingy
*my handheld fan with a spritzing bottle attached (which I used an awful lot when I was having Elise-- I got soooooo hot)
*some cherry lifesavers in case I want something to make my mouth taste good
*toiletries

He'll also pack his swimming trunks when the time comes, but we're using them now because Husband takes Henry to swim lessons. The swimming trunks are for Husband to get in the whirlpool bathtub with me, if I want. The nurses don't mind seeing naked pregnant ladies, but they don't want to see a husband wiener while they're monitoring my labor.

Okay. I'm the only one that needs to pack. You know how they tell you on airplanes that in case of emergency the adults should put on their oxygen masks first, then put them on the kids? You can't help other people until you help yourself first? I suck at that.