Recurring Dream

i have this recurring bad dream that husband and i have gone out of the house somewhere -- dinner or a movie-- and the dream always starts when we're on our way home. i suddenly realize that we've left the kids home by themselves while we went out. i start freaking out, and husband says to relax, that they're sleeping and since they always sleep through the night they'll be fine.

and they always are. the point of the dream is never that the kids have been hurt by our neglect, simply that we made an incredibly poor choice. i feel guilty and worried that someone will find out about what we've done.

i've had this dream for years, since we've become foster parents. i guess every parent worries that they've made mistakes or been selfish or whatever it is that my dream is focused on. i don't sit around worrying about this stuff, but i guess it's in my subconscious somewhere.

silly dream.

Boobie Food Update

Okay. We're down to two feedings per 24 hours. The reason that I'm pushing to change Elise's feeding habits is that I'm starting to have Braxton-Hicks contractions every time I nurse her. I'm concerned that it will eventually send me into early labor. Bad news. Trying to avoid that.

I still feed Elise right before bedtime, but I've changed her 5:30am feeding to 6:15 and then she gets a sippy cup full of cow's milk when she wakes up for the day. Also, I'm cutting both of her feedings short rather than letting her decide when she's done nursing. This has not met without resistance, mind you. But it's going better than I thought it would.

I don't take Elise out of her bed until 6:15, instead reminding her if she wakes up early that it's time for night-night. She cries but she lays back down pretty quickly. Then at 6:15 Husband picks her up and puts her in our bed, she nurses for a bit, and then I tell her "all done" and make her unlatch. For the most part, she goes back to sleep for another hour or so. I just let her sleep with us. When she wakes up for the day she asks for milk and pulls at my shirt, but I say, "Would you like your sippy?" Elise always says no and shakes her head, maybe cries a bit, then asks for milk again. I tell her that she can come with me and get a sippy with milk if she wants, and then she climbs over me and wiggles out of bed, taking off down the hall toward the kitchen.

This is working well for us so far. It's silly maybe, but I don't know if I'm ready to stop breastfeeding Elise completely. It makes me feel sad when I think about it. At the same time, I have to protect Clark. I'm hoping that I can find a point where I can cut back enough that I don't get the contractions anymore, but don't have to completely stop breastfeeding Elise, either. This is a work in progress.

Runaway Baby

Elise's new trick is to suddenly take off running while we're out in public. I am in no condition to sprint after a 16 month old. Today at the library she ran away numerous times. I tried everything. I chased her and scolded her. I ducked around a corner and waited for her to get freaked out when she didn't see me following her. I tried to engage her attention and remind her over and over again to "stay with Mommy." Nothing worked. She'd get a glint in her eye and zip out of my grasp before I could do anything to stop her.

Finally, I ended up pulling some kind of groin muscle when I had to literally jump up and chase after her. I'm still quite sore hours later. What do you do for a pulled crotch tendon? Nothing, I guess. Cry about it. Ugh. Do they make baby shackles?

Pregnancy Update

Man, this pregnancy has been smooooooooth sailing. Compared to Elise, anyway. My back hurts a lot now-- often and with increasing intensity. I wake up at least 3 or 4 times each night (usually more often) to pee or roll over or wipe sweat from between my boobs and off the back of my neck. There's the "sex butt." And I've been getting queezy lately, especially after Clark is particularly active. But mostly I feel okay. I'm 30 weeks along, and even if I have to wait another 11 weeks to meet my little boy I'll probably make it through this last trimester with a lot more grace and serenity than I did the first time around.

Georgia's 1st Pee in the Potty

This morning Georgia woke up with a dry diaper. Very unusual for her. So we put her on the little potty chair... AND SHE WENT POTTY! She was very proud of herself and we gave her lots of praise. Even Henry and Elise clapped for her and smiled at her. Positive reinforcement works wonders with little kids. Hopefully she'll use the potty again some time soon, but I'm sure it will be hit and miss for a long time. We're pretty low pressure when it comes to potty training.

At the Pool

Today was a big day for baby Elisey! She actually let her swim instructor pass her the ball during swim lessons!!! She started the ball passing exercise afraid of the ball, like always, but after a few rounds with the other babies Elise decided she wanted to play with the ball, too, and reached for it. When the instructor passed it to her, she hit it back just like she was supposed to. Very exciting! I wonder if she'll play with it again at her next lesson. I hope she's getting over her phobia.

Once the lesson was over, Elise and I got out of the pool and walked toward our bag. Along the way Elise saw a puddle of water on the pool deck. She stopped, pointed at the puddle and then shouted, "PEE PEE!!! PEE PEE!!!" People nearby laughed. Oh, Elise. Why do you always want to talk about pee and vulvas when we're in public?

Yesterday and Today

no post yesterday. i was up late. i wasn't writing about the kids but i was talking about them, so that should count for something.

our van broke. it needs a new transmission. there's been a lot of added stress in my life over the last couple of days. it's time for me to take a deep breath, sort through some things in my head, and regroup. everybody needs that every once in a while.

Yep

today was quite a day. more later. it's late. i need to sleep.

Bad Dream

* sometimes my phone lets me use capital letters and sometimes it doesn't. i don't know what's going on. *

i had a dream last night that elise was kidnapped by some person who was (in the dream) an acquaintance of mine. it was actually a couple who kidnapped her, and the woman kept elise in hiding while the man went about his day, trying to look like nothing suspicious was going on. i kept approaching the man, begging him in every way i could think of to give elise back.

i remember saying things like, "please, she's still breastfeeding. she needs me. i need her." and, "i'll get you any amount of money you want, just please bring her back." and, in a desperate moment, "i'll fuck you. i'll let you get me pregnant. you can have your own baby and give mine back." sometimes the man would cry, seeing how upset i was, but he would never agree to give her back to me.

it was an extremely stressful dream. terrible. i woke up in a panic. ugh.

Pool!

Elise has started swim lessons and she LOVES LOVES LOVES them. Super happy baby in the pool. "Pool" is her new favorite word, by the way.

I get to the pool a little bit early so we have some time in the water before class starts. She likes that. Time to just play and splash, although I try to make her do some of the stuff we practice in class like kicking and dunking her in the water. Elise enjoys all of it... EXCEPT the part of class where the instructor passes a ball back and forth. The idea is to get the kids reaching out in the water toward something. The ball kind of has the opposite effect on Elise, though, so the instructor uses a different toy just for her. It's funny-- there's so much stuff that we do that makes the other kids cry, like dunking the babies in the water or laying them on their backs to try and float, but the ONLY thing that makes Elise cry is that stupid ball.

I wonder if she'll still like swimming when she's older. I can swim but I've never been a very strong swimmer, so I hope for her that she's better at it than I am.

The Drip

Damn.

I was hoping that since I'm still breastfeeding, my boobs would just know how to handle the new baby's milk. That I wouldn't have to go through the leaky phase again, where unless they're strapped in to a bra, milk is dripping everywhere.

No dice. I'm starting to lactate for no apparent reason again.

I make massive amounts of milk. I'm going to have no problem feeding two babies... and even if I were going to have twins, I'm positive that I'd still be okay. I should be selling this stuff. Seriously. Since I've started breastfeeding, I've never not had milk in my breasts. I can feel the amount in there going down when Elise nurses, but I've never run out. They say to nurse a baby on one breast until it's empty and then switch sides-- getting empty has never ever happened to me. Even at 16 months (which is a pretty big baby), Elise will sometimes nurse for over 30 minutes at night and it's all on one breast. And I could still pump more out after she's done.

I could make Elise switch sides so that she nurses from both breasts during every feeding, but she'll still drink the same amount of milk, so my milk production won't be any less. She'll just be nursing from both sides each time she feeds. So I stick to one boob. I started feeding her on just one side at a time in the very beginning because I was over-producing milk and she wasn't getting enough of the fatty hindmilk if I switched her half way through a feeding, so my lactation consultant told me to keep her on just one breast for each feeding. It helped. And we've never stopped doing it that way.

I wonder what my boobs will look like when I'm done breastfeeding. Oh god. I'm not going to think about that.

Sleep and Breastfeeding Update

So, at 16 months, this is where Elise stands with regard to her sleeping and breastfeeding schedule. Elise breastfeeds 3 times in a 24 hour period, all of it revolving around her nighttime routines. She nurses right before she goes to sleep for the night, then she wakes up around 5:30 and nurses but she goes back to sleep again, then she nurses when she wakes up for the day. Elise throws a big fit if I try to make her have breakfast instead of nursing and I haven't stuck to my guns yet about cutting out the morning breastfeeding. But that will be next.

Elise goes to bed around 8:00... 8:15... 8:30, depending on when we get all of the kids ready to go to sleep. She sleeps straight through until 5:30 or 6:00 in the morning, nurses, and goes back to sleep for about an hour. She wakes up around 7:00-ish for the day. Elise still prefers to take a morning and an afternoon nap if possible, but our schedule doesn't always allow for that. If she gets two naps, she sleeps from about 9:30 until 11:00, then about 1:30 until 2:30. If she only gets an afternoon nap, she'll sleep for about 2 hours after lunch.

I'm happy with our routines right now, although I plan to cut back on that morning feeding soon.

Thankful

I met a lady and her daughter today and the lady told me that her daughter was born at 26 weeks gestation. Wowzers. I had already suspected that the little girl was delayed before the lady said anything, but after she told me that, I felt pretty certain that my suspicions were correct. Really premature babies like that little girl can have all KINDS of problems. Heart, lungs, eyes, speech development, gastrointestinal development-- pretty much anything can be effected.

My sister knows someone who has had 3 kids born very prematurely. One of the babies didn't make it. So sad. Something with that lady's body just makes those kids come out before they're ready.

I'm thankful that I don't have those sorts of problems. As difficult as the last few months of pregnancy can be, I'm grateful that Elise was only 3 weeks early. And I'm hopeful that Clark gets to cook until he's ready, too.

29 weeks down-- a maximum of 12 more to go!

Here's a link to a piece I heard on NPR today about women electing to schedule their deliveries weeks before their due date: click here

I Am Unraveling

The back popping has started. I got it with Elise, too. When I walk around now, more often than not, my lower backbone starts popping. At first it's annoying, but if I walk for awhile it becomes uncomfortable. I think that everything is just spreading and separating for baby Clark-- which makes me even more certain that my hipbone pain is because of those hormonal changes that make pregnant ladies' bones get all loosey goosey.

Where's Baby Clark?

* If you ask Elise where baby Clark is, she points at my tummy. So cute. She can point out everyone in the family: Mommy, Daddy, Henry, Georgia, Clark, and herself.

* My hips are killing me. I don't know what Clark is doing in there, but it is clearly destroying my hipbones. I woke up around 4:30 last night in excruciating pain. Like, I started crying it hurt so much. Hopefully my hips are just stretching out now to accommodate childbirth and I'll be that much ahead of the game when it comes time to actually push.

Bye Bye, Pee Pee!

Elise keeps making wonderful little baby sentences. Now, whenever we flush the toilet after Elise goes to the bathroom she waves into the toilet bowl and yells, "Bye bye, pee pee!" or "Bye bye, poo poo!" Cute at home... a little bit embarrassing in public.

And a few nights ago while she was nursing, she unlatched, looked into my eyes and said, "Bye bye baby poo poo." I have no idea what that meant. Sometimes I really do wonder what she's trying to communicate.

Big Foots

All of the kids have gone up a shoe size again; they all got new shoes the other day. Henry was really not into shoe shopping and didn't want to try any shoes on and clearly wanted to keep his old shoes. The girls, though, loved getting new shoes. How silly and gender stereotype-y.

Payin' It Forward

I read today that daughters of mothers that had really bad morning sickness are 3 times more likely than the average woman to get really bad morning sickness, too. Sorry in advance, Elise. Maybe since I didn't get such bad morning sickness with Clark, Elise has a chance of not getting very sick. Or maybe by the time Elise has babies (if she decides that's what she wants to do), there will be better medicine or better remedies for morning sickness. Either way, Elise, you were absolutely worth it, but I certainly don't wish it on you.

Bye Bye Evil Santa

Remember Evil Santa? The ear, nose, and throat doctor that Henry was referred to? The one that creeped me out? Well, I got a call the other day from someone who is involved in the kids' case and this person was like, "Henry's ENT doctor is Evil Santa?! I can't believe he still has his license! Can you switch his doctor?" And then an explanation for why Evil Santa is a lousy doctor.

Wow.

I was already considering asking for a referral to another doctor since Evil Santa has had our paperwork for MONTHS and he is simply not filling it out, and now even his receptionist isn't returning my calls in any kind of a timely manner. But based on the advice of this other person, I asked Henry's primary care physician right away for a referral to another doctor.

Guess that just goes to show that my mommy intuition was right. Evil Santa IS scary.

What You Talkin Bout?

Elise is learning so much so quickly. She's talking nonstop now. A lot of it is sweet little baby babble, but she's becoming very effective at communicating her desires, too.

Elise knows that if she asks "please" then her odds of getting what she wants increase dramatically. So she says it a lot. And now she's using two or three words together, remembering to ask please first. Today Elise asked, "Please apple?" for some applesauce. It took me a minute to figure out just what she wanted, but it made sense once I figured it out because there is a picture of apples on the little fruit cups. And she's been asking, "Please more Dada?" to get Husband to come back in the room at bedtime and give her another kiss. How could anyone resist that?

She's all about body parts lately, too. You only have to tell her something once now and if she's interested, she remembers. She knows all kinds of body parts-- neck, elbow (she calls it her "elmo"), arm ("arma"), nipple, bottom, teeth, cheeks, chin. Oh, and she calls her tummy her "tucka." Not sure where that came from.

Elise is still obsessed with her vulva. The other day at the library she had to go potty. The whole way to the restroom, from one end of the kids' section to the other, she'd take a few steps, grab her crotch, yell "VAAVAA!" and then repeat the process. Embarrassing.

Oh, and she points out her toe booboo about 10 times a day. She calls it her "bubba" and she'll point to it, say "bubba," and then make a sad face. Poor baby.

She's a pretty cool kid.

Nickname

Clark already has nicknames. I can't help but give my babies sweet little names, and just because you aren't born yet doesn't make you immune. I like to call Clark "Clark Bables" (rhymes with Clark Gable, but emphasis on the "babe" sound).

I love that little guy.

Baby Jackass

You know that show "Jackass" with the guys that do silly stunts and someone usually ends up getting hurt? My kids are working on a baby version of that show, I think. They love to each put their blankets over their heads so that they can't see, then run around the room together. They knock into each other, the furniture, the walls. They fall down and laugh and laugh. Unless they get hurt, then they cry for a second and get back up and do it again.

If one of them sees another putting a blanket on, they all have to do it. I try to act as referee, directing the kids away from edges of dressers and bookshelves. Eventually, it becomes too much and I make them stop, which then makes the kids sad and mad. I tell them, "You just got those baby teeth-- I don't want you to knock them out already!" But they don't understand.

Also, Elise likes to tackle and baby wrestle Henry. Even though he weighs half again as much as she does (Henry ~ 30 lbs, Elise ~ 20 lbs), Henry just falls to the ground and squirms and cries while Elise tries to pin him like some sort of greco-roman wrestler. It's really funny to watch and the last time she did it I laughed so hard I peed my pants a little. For real. I mean, we pull Elise right off of him, but she's quick and very determined and it looks hysterical, given their size difference.

Crazy babies.

BTW

* elise bit the crap out of my nipple again today. i'm starting to wonder if our breast feeding days are numbered :(

* my new phone won't let me use capital letters on my blogging website. wtf, phone! i'll have to figure this out later.

* henry is going to be evaluated for autism. i don't believe he's on the spectrum, but it doesn't hurt to have him checked out. i'd rather he get evaluated and they say he doesn't have it than not get him evaluated and miss out on getting important services.

Today Has Been Better

So far, so good! Don't want to jinx myself as the day isn't over, but nothing too bad has happened today.

We've resolved SOME of the kitchen sink leaking problem... looks like we really will need to call a plumber to get it fixed all the way but we're no longer at code-orange shut-off-the-water-to-the-sink-before-we-have-a-disaster level anymore.

Elise has contracted Georgia's rash-- the one we took Georgia to the ER for a few days ago. But since we know what the illness is and that there's no treatment for it, it's kind of no big deal. I'm sorry that Elise is sick, but she doesn't notice the rash so she isn't suffering because of it.

I had an appointment at the OBGYN's today. After all of the crappedy-crap I've dealt with over the last few days, I was fully expecting to be told that I have gestational diabetes. Nope. Glucose test came back fine.

I've only gained 2 pounds over the past month, which is good because I gained 9 pounds the month before that. I wish I could say that I've been watching my portion sizes or exercising more, but that's not the case at all. I think that my body just does what it needs to do when it needs to do it while I'm pregnant. So I don't gain a steady pound per week-- sometimes I gain more and sometimes I gain less. Whatever. I was able to lose my baby weight with Elise in a reasonable amount of time, so I'm waaaaaaaaay less stressed about weight gain with Clark. I kind of don't care. And since Husband seems to think pregnant bellies are cute/sexy/whatever, I have even less incentive to stress myself out about it.

My belly measured right at where it should be for a lady who is 28 weeks along. So, despite how I feel, I am not giving birth to a baby elephant. That's good to know.

Yep. Today has been okay. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Elise's First Big Booboo

Welcome to my retelling of Craptastic Day #4. The fourth consecutive craptastic day in this series.

:(

So, I was taking a shower with Elise this afternoon. Elise loooooooves the water, which is really nice because I can take a shower and she just plays at my feet. I'm happy and she's happy and it's great. Today she took a full can of shaving cream off the ledge and was driving it around on the floor of the bathtub like a car. When I was done showering, I told her "clean up time!" and she went to put the can back on the ledge, as if she was putting a toy away. Well, the can fell and dropped straight down on her pinky toe.

Blood everywhere.

I know that water makes blood look even worse than it is because it thins the blood out but it still looks very red. Regardless, this was a lot of blood coming out of her tiny toe. So, Elise is screaming, I jump out of the shower holding the baby, both of us dripping wet and Elise dripping blood everywhere (on the floor, on her potty chair, on the wall) and run to the hall closet where I grab a clean dish towel. I hold her with her foot in the air, wrapped in the towel, applying pressure.

But my mind is racing. What do I do first? Ice? Tylenol? Get us dressed? I went and got her old teething rings from the freezer to put on her foot, but she was having none of that. I called Husband and told him to come home right away, and then I tried to get us dressed.

I was trying desperately to keep Elise from standing up. I couldn't tell how deep the cut was, but her toe was swelling like crazy and bleeding and generally looking pretty bad. I didn't want her to make the injury any worse. It was hard to put a diaper on her and then try to dress myself-- all while holding her foot in the air, above her head. That's all I could really think to do, apply pressure and hold her foot in the air.

Finally Husband came home and by that point Elise wasn't screaming any more and was even somewhat consolable. So we decided that she PROBABLY didn't need to go to the emergency room. We tried to call her doctor to see what the nurse suggested, but the office was still on lunch break. Then Husband called the urgent care clinic that we use. The nurse was like, "does she need stitches?" Um. We have no idea. She's hurt. That's all we know. So they gave us an appointment for a few hours later and told us to give her some Tylenol and wrap the toe in a bandage until then.

Somewhere in the middle of all of this, my slippery wet shower hands dropped my phone on the kitchen floor for the one billionth time since I bought my cell phone... but THIS was the time my phone decided to break. Like, that's it. No more phone.

So. Husband goes back to work and Elise takes a nap until her urgent care appointment.

Then, on the way to the urgent care center I get lost. But I have no phone. So I can't call and tell them I'm running late or ask for directions. I can't use my phone's GPS. I just have to drive around until I find the damn place. OF ALL DAYS!!!

Finally I get to the urgent care center and they're still willing to see Elise even though I'm late. The doctor put some doctor-style super glue on Elise's toe to close it up (it was still oozing) and put this little strip of stuff over the glue that makes a kind of hard bandage. Elise was not happy about the procedure, but I was sure happy that she didn't need stitches. What an ordeal that would have been!

Elise is fine now. Doesn't even notice her booboo anymore. I went after dinner and got a new phone. So now if I go into labor I can actually call Husband or if I get lost I can call for directions. And thank goodness this stupid day is over.

No more stupid days, please. I'm at my limit. Four is enough.

I Give Up

Now there's a leak under our kitchen sink.

What next? :(

Craptastic Day, the Sequel

Soooo, yesterday was bad. Worse than today, I'll admit.

BUT

Today Husband had to take Georgia to the ER. She suddenly broke out in these little bumps all over her groin, feet, tummy, and legs. Raised bumps. And since it's a holiday, there was no place to take her BUT the ER. I spoke to the after-hours nurse from her doctor's office-- hoping she'd say to just watch her and take her to the doctor tomorrow or something-- but I was told, "it could be the start of anything... take her to the ER to be sure." Dammit dammit dammit.

End result was that she has some kind of virus. Nothing that can be done. No medicine or anything. It just has to run its course. It's no more dangerous than any other common childhood illness, but it looks kinda crazy with all the little bumps everywhere. The bumps don't seem to be itchy or bothersome. Georgia doesn't notice them. So I guess it's no big deal. Other than she's going to have to stay home for a day or two from day care. And of course, the other kids will catch it eventually and probably Husband and me, too. Dammit dammit dammit.

While Husband was gone with Georgia, the new fridge arrived. This required a lot of pre-fridge-arrival cleaning and post-fridge-arrival cleaning. Not so easy while being home alone with Elise and Henry and a belly full of Clark.

This wasn't the relaxing 4th of July weekend I had envisioned. Oh well.

Everything Old Is New Again

Craptastic day.

Had to buy a new refrigerator today. Because ours broke. And also a new microwave. Because ours has been slowly breaking. Big purchases that I'm not expecting are stressful. Not to mention having everything in our fridge spoil.

Then this afternoon Elise intentionally bit my nipple so hard that I involuntarily screamed. In pain. She proceeded to clamp down like a damn pit bull, and I was yelling and literally trying to pry open her jaw when she decided to let go. I found myself crying afterward and saying things to her like, "Why would you hurt me like that?" As if she was going to answer.

Also, Henry was all about testing boundaries today. He was being a total meanie. Basically, everything was just awful today.

Things could be worse. It's all relative. I know this. But right now I just need to wallow in self-pity.

More sadness for me-- I can't even have a beer to console myself. :(

Graduation!

Georgia is done with therapy!

Now that she's walking and talking more, her therapist said that she no longer needs assistance. She's still a bit behind in her speech development, but not so behind that she needs services at this point.

Yay! We're so proud of her!

Glucose Test

I took my pregnancy glucose test yesterday to see if I have baby-induced diabetes. I think I talked about it with Elise, but basically you fast starting at midnight the night before, then go to the lab in the morning, give blood, drink a sugar drink, and give blood again an hour later.

The fasting sucks, especially when you're pregnant and breastfeeding. I NEED breakfast. NEED it. That stupid Koolaid-- or whatever it is that they make you drink-- tasted so good because I was half-starved. I wanted to ask for another one.

I'll get my results at my next OBGYN visit. Unless they call me sooner with bad news, I guess.