Delivery

Like I said, I don't remember the experience of delivering Elise as one cohesive memory. I was falling asleep between contractions, I was in an immense amount of pain, and I had been in labor for 20 hours. I pushed for another 2 hours. It's all fuzzy in my head.

It sucked. I remember that much.

So, I told Husband for a second time that I NEED to push, and he went and got the nurses and the midwife. The midwife examined me again and said that part of my cervix was still kind of in the way (whatever that means) but that I could go ahead and start pushing and she would just try to move it with her fingers as I pushed.

I pushed. And I pushed. And I pushed.

I was so tired, but as each contraction peaked, I couldn't help but give 3 or 4 good, long pushes. I actually tried to resist at one point. I said to myself "I'm so tired. Skipping ONE contraction to rest really wont hurt." But there was no way I could resist. With no epidural to numb the pain, your body MAKES you want to get that baby out as quickly as possible.

The feeling of pushing a baby out is very strange. It really feels like you're trying to take the biggest poop of your life. It felt like the baby was in my butt. I was so concerned about pooping on the bed. Well, I was concerned for about 10 minutes. But then I realized that if I didn't give it my all every time I pushed, if I tried to hold back in any way, then Elise would never come out. So I got over the fear of pooping pretty quickly.

Husband, my mom, Husband's mom, and one of my sisters were in the room while I was having Elise. I was all sweaty and gross, and the moms and my sister were taking turns holding a hand-held battery operated fan on me.

Once Elise started crowning, I remember everyone getting really excited. But I still had to push for a really long time. People kept saying, "You're so close!" or "She's almost here!" or whatever and the more I heard that, the angrier I got. Apparently I even said at one point something to the effect of "You've already said that!"

As Elise's head was working it's way out (or out a little bit and back in and out a little bit and back in), the midwife was stretching open my vagina with her fingers. And that HURT. And I would say as much. I was yelling with every push and then it would end with, "Owwww! Fuck!" And the midwife would apologize for hurting me, but then do it again the next time.

I was having serious short-term memory loss. As I'd wake up during the start of each contraction, I'd try to remember what had just happened, but I couldn't. It was weird. And I kept thinking, "I can't believe I'm doing this. I can't believe that I'm having a baby right now."

I thought that I'd have the baby squatting. That's what I'd envisioned for myself. But I was too tired so I was in the bed, and the midwife had me keep rotating from side to side to sort of sitting up. I pushed her out while I was sitting up.

Finally, after 2 hours, the midwife said to me, "If she doesn't come out within the next couple of pushes, I'm going to have to make a cut." I flipped out. "NO!!!" I did NOT want an episiotomy. The midwife looked at me sympathetically, "She doesn't seem to have enough room to come out." And with that I pushed the biggest, hardest, longest push I could possibly muster. Then another one. And her head came out. Victory!!!

I didn't even feel the head come out. I thought I would, but I had to ask, "Is her head out yet?" and I only surmised as much based on the looks on everyone's faces. Yes, her head was out. "I just needed some motivation," I said to the midwife.

The umbilical cord was wrapped around Elise's neck, and the midwife had to loop it over her head. I don't remember that being the case, but that's what everyone has told me.

Then I had to push her body out. And I sure felt that. Her shoulders HURT coming out. The midwife was pulling her out and it felt like she was pushing her down a bit as she did so, and it really, really, really hurt. My skin ripped and I ended up needing 3 stitches.

Elise was all gray when she first came out. They put her on my chest for a second but I didn't really get to see her face. They let husband cut the cord and then they whisked her away to the other side of the room. I'll tell you more about that experience later. A lot happened post-labor, but I need to collect my thoughts about it.