From Pitocin to Pushing

By the time that the midwife told me that I wasn't progressing quickly enough and I should have pitocin to speed the labor along, I was getting pretty tired. I'd been in labor for about 12 hours by that point.

I was really disappointed that I needed pitocin, but I understood that Elise needed to be delivered within 24 hours and the pitocin was looking like the only way to make it happen.

I asked if they could just give me a little pitocin to maybe jump start the process but not leave me on the pitocin the whole time. The nurses said that's not usually the way it works, but they said that they would see about taking me off the pitocin if it seems like the pitocin is being effective and like my body might continue on without the extra help. They did eventually take me off the pitocin and let my labor continue naturally. I don't remember how long I was on the pitocin for, but they never had to up the dose at any point, like they said might be the case.

It took a little while before the pitocin really kicked in. People arrived and joined us in the labor and delivery room. Husband's mom and his dad and stepmother arrived and one of my sisters was on a flight from out of state because she was on vacation when I went into labor.

All of a sudden the contractions got insanely strong and I felt a terrible pain in the front of my pelvis. I had been standing up near the bed when the pain hit and I doubled over and yelled for Husband. "Get a doctor! Something's wrong!"

The nurses that came in told me that the baby was just moving down into the birth canal. "She's destroying me!" I told them. They asked if I wanted something for the pain, but I said no.

I didn't have a specific plan with regard to pain management before I went into labor, but once I was in labor I really wanted as few interventions as possible. I was in a huge amount of pain, but the baby was doing well according to the monitors and I didn't want to do anything that could change that.

After the pitocin really kicked in, everything becomes a blur. I remember certain things happening, but I don't remember their order. Here's what I remember:

* I moaned, loudly, through most of my contractions.

* I was annoyed with the fact that my family was in my room, talking and laughing amongst themselves while I was in the worst pain of my life. I asked everyone except for Husband to leave for a while. I don't remember how long they were gone for.

* Eventually, I requested some IV pain medication "just to take the edge off," as the nurses suggested. They gave me Nubain. I suppose that it must have helped a little, but I was still in a tremendous amount of pain during the contractions. They gave me half a dose, then I requested the second half. Then I requested another dose and they gave me the whole thing at once. I requested a third dose from my midwife, but she said that I was too far along to have any more Nubain. I hated her in that moment. I wanted to make her hurt as much as I hurt and then I wanted to deny her any relief. So I finished out my labor without any more pain medication and I delivered Elise without any pain medication.

* I didn't get an epidural, partly because the thought of sitting still long enough for them to insert the needle into my spine sounded like torture.

* I was falling asleep between contractions. I was already sleep deprived, plus Nubain makes you sleepy, plus the intense pain for a prolonged period of time made me loopy.

* I said some weird stuff, apparently. Something about "don't let me fall into the space warp" which I realized as soon as I said it that it was a weird thing to say. Toward the end, before I could start pushing, I was yelling (no longer just moaning) with each contraction. I appologized to everyone for all of my "hootin' and hollerin'."

* I remember my sister arriving.

* I remember telling Husband that I need to push, then the midwife examining me, and her telling me that I still have about another centimeter to dilate. I was really disappointed. And angry. But mostly disappointed.

During the last part of active labor and during delivery I was a completely different person. I was in a strange place. I can't describe it. I was SOOOOO in the moment. It was as if I had no short-term memory and there was only NOW. This also contributes to my inability to remember a lot of the labor and delivery-- my brain wasn't concerned with sorting and cataloging memories, it just wanted to get me through the labor and delivery process.

It was such a relief when the midwife said I could start pushing.