I keep having dreams that I'm pregnant. Every few days. Super vivid dreams. I can feel the baby moving or feel contractions or whatever is going on in the dream. There always comes a point where I'm suddenly like "No. Wait. How did this happen? I have an IUD. I can't be pregnant. But I am. Oh shit."
Did I say "dreams"? I mean "nightmares."
Dear Baby Jesus... (I'm not religious... I don't know how this works. Is it okay to pray to a baby to make sure you don't have any more babies? Why would I talk to a baby about this, anyway?) Dear middle-aged Jesus-- the older, responsible Jesus with a good job and health insurance and a 401k and appropriate family planning practices-- please don't put any more babies in my uterus. Four small children is pretty much my maximum saturation point. So while the dreams are cute and kind of funny, please cut the crap. If you want to give me dreams about babies, make them dreams with tips on how to style Georgia's hair or some kid-friendly recipes or new ways to organize their closets. Not trying to tell you how to do your job, but I'm just saying that I think we could make better use of your time and mine. Amen.
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