Our First Foster Daughter

Our first foster daughter, Cecelia, arrived about two weeks after Bo did and she stayed with us for a month. Her parents' rights were already terminated and she was waiting to be matched for adoption. When the state agengy called us about taking Cecelia into our home as a foster child, they suggested that this would be a good opportunity for us, because as her foster parents we would be considered as a potential match for her adoption. It wasn't until later, when she was matched with another family, that we learned that this other family had known about her and been sort of "pre-matched" with her for years. Husband and I felt like we had been tricked, even though we still would have taken her in as our foster child even if they had been completely honest and told us that there was no way we'd be matched with her. Why lie?

Cecelia had been living with a foster family for years, and then right before she was going to get matched with a new family for adoption, something happend in her foster family and they needed to move her to a new home. (It had nothing to do with her, by the way.) That family that they already knew Cecelia would go to for adoption wasn't a licensed foster family, so she couldn't go live with them until the official matching took place. Bureaucratic red tape. So we were sort of a transitional, month-long foster family for Cecelia.

Cecelia was really nice-- VERY well behaved. She was a bit whiny and used her tears to manipulate situations, but what little kid doesn't? She and Bo were both 3 years old when they were together living with us, although Cecelia was 8 months older than Bo. And she was a good deal bigger than him.

I think they both liked having a playmate. Bo got kind of confused when Cecelia started transitioning to her new adoptive family. He didn't understand why she got to go hang out with new people and he couldn't go, too. Bo talked about her for a long time after she left. We told Cecelia's new family that we would love to do play dates and let the kids hang out, but the new people weren't into it. Based on stuff we heard from other people, the new family was trying to break ties with as many people from Cecelia's past as possible-- kind of pretending that she had no history before she joined their family. I personally don't think that's very healthy for Cecelia, but it's not up to me. I hope she's doing well.

I got pregnant with Elise right around the time Cecelia was transitioning out of our house. So Elise never met Cecelia and I doubt Cecelia ever found out that I'd had a baby. Aurelius, our first foster son, and Cecelia are the only foster siblings that Elise didn't meet. We have pictures of them, and Elise will see them some day. All of our kids have been really cute. I guess we got lucky that way.

Really, I feel lucky overall. Especially after seeing what the kids in foster care go through, getting bounced around and losing ties and connections as they are shuffled from one place to the next. Nobody's life is perfect right? But my childhood looks positively magical compared to they stories I hear on a regular basis as a foster parent. I read Cecelia's case file and while I can't tell you any of the details, let me just tell you that as fucked up as Cecelia's early childhood was, it was 100 times better than what happened to her own mother. So just think about that. Her mother, who was horribly abused, tried to do better for her daughter than what she went through and it STILL wasn't safe and good enough for her to keep her child. That's the kind of thing that makes me want to cry.

That's the kind of thing that makes me want to do the absolute best for my children that I possibly can. I know that Elise (and any other children that come into our family) may not appreciate it for a long time. Maybe not until she has her own kids. Or maybe not ever. But to me, loving my children isn't about lots of toys and cute clothes and trips to McDonald's and Disney World. Some of my foster kids had all of that stuff before they were taken away from their parents. Loving my children is about making them feel safe and loved every second of the day. Raising them to be good people, who are kind and loving to others. As long as my babies have kind hearts and know that no matter where they are and no matter what they're doing, their mother loves them and will be there for them if they need her, then I'll feel like I did a good job as a parent.