The Dreams That I Don't Have

I've read/heard that a lot of pregnant women have dreams about misplacing or losing their newborn babies. A common theme is that the baby is very, very tiny and they set the baby down somewhere and then they can't find it.

I don't have those kinds of dreams. I don't have many pregnant/baby dreams to begin with, but the ones I do have seem to address my anxiety about the pregnancy itself or about the labor and childbirth, not about being a good mother.

I feel confident that I'll do alright as a mom. I'm a foster mother, I used to work at a preschool, I was already 11 years old when my youngest sister was born. I'm sure I can fumble and bumble my way through motherhood just like everyone else, and both Baby and I will be okay in the end.

The part that really, really scares me is the labor and delivery. I know that most women in modern America survive childbirth and don't suffer many complications-- but that doesn't make it any less scary for me personally. Things can go wrong. I just keep hoping that I don't become one of those exceptional cases where the mother suddenly hemmorages and dies. Or has a heart attack. Or whatever. I know that it's morbid to be thinking those things, but I can't help it. Birth and death, you know? The circle of life.

Also, I hope I don't rip like crazy when the baby comes out. While that scares me less than dying, the thought of needing reconstructive surgery on my lady parts is also legitimately terrifying. Not in a deeply psychological, repressed sexual anxiety way akin to the supposed male fear of castration. I just don't want my vagina to hurt every time I sit down.

I keep reminding myself that whatever will be will be. This baby is coming out, one way or another-- and I just hope that it's a relatively smooth and complication-free process for both of us.